304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
304 North Cardinal St.
Dorchester Center, MA 02124
Your marriage is on the rocks and you’ve done your best to save it.
You have been doing the work. After careful reflection, you realize that things don’t look good.
You have worked on improving yourself, gone through counseling, but things between you and your husband are not any better, and the marriage is not likely to work out long term.
Make peace with your situation, learn your lessons and let go.
Hanging on is inevitably going to bring you additional disappointment and will stop you from beginning a new life.
Dr. Wayne Dyer said that “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Looking at your marriage in a different light breaks the chains that bind you and opens up a world of possibility.
Attachment to anything, person or outcome brings suffering, because losing it, or just the fear of losing it, makes you unhappy.
The important lesson here is that you cannot move forward until you make peace with the situation you are currently in and let go of the attachments. Attachments to what happened, to what you think should have happened, to what never happened. Attachments to the man he was, to the man he is not, to the man you hoped he’d be.
Resisting “what is” is the root of suffering. Simply stated, you cannot receive blessings if your hands are tied up hanging on to baggage. As long as you hold on to the disappointments, mistakes, and hurts of the past, you won’t be able to accept a future of unlimited possibility.
Likewise, self-recrimination and regret in no way will change what has happened in the past, and also needs to be released. Living trapped in a space of regret over the things you did, the things you didn’t do or the opportunities missed will not bring you peace nor heal what’s wrong in your relationship.
Make peace with your situation and release it.
You need to let go of the dreams and hopes you created around your relationship with your husband, and instead, open the door to new opportunities that can come into your life only if you are emotionally free and receptive.
It is a hard thing to do, I know. For me, it was hard to imagine a new life, and I was paralyzed by fears of the unknown. I couldn’t imagine dating other men or giving up on the future I had envisioned for myself. It is alien to conceive of a new life when you are still hung up on what could have been or, more importantly, what you think “should have been.”
But if I hadn’t made the move, I might still be stuck in a bitter marriage, with all the lack and limitation that came with living with my ex-husband. And because I was finally able to let go, I opened the way to a new life, with a new husband and blessings I never imagined.
Similarly, it is just as easy to hang on to the wrongs done and embellish them with thoughts of revenge. But what good is it? I know a woman who is still seething over her ex-husband’s infidelities. And guess what? He has moved on. He has a new love in his life while she is alone with her anger. Wouldn’t it be more productive to direct that energy towards creating a life of bliss for herself where her ex-husband is not even a thought?
When you fixate on what’s wrong, you won’t notice anything else around you, including what’s good and worthy.
Make no mistake…the past is over and done and cannot be changed. Dr. Wayne Dyer advised to let go of the notion that you can have a better past. How true. Take one last look at what happened, reflect on the lessons learned and don’t look back. The future is ahead. Free your hands from baggage and make room for the blessings that await you.
Perhaps, at some level, you feel guilty for some conduct you have engaged in that caused harm to your spouse or your relationship. We all make mistakes. Can you forgive yourself for your mistakes? Can you ask for forgiveness for those mistakes? Are you willing to make amends?
There is no benefit to living with regret and self-recrimination. Seek forgiveness, make amends where feasible and release the charge of past mistakes. Forgiving yourself and looking to the future with the resolve not to repeat these mistakes is the greatest gift you can give to yourself.
You are not served either by an attachment to an unlikely script in which you and your husband live happily ever after. It feels comfortable and familiar to cling to a fantasy in which your husband is the perfect husband, not the tormentor who makes your life miserable.
But, if you’ve done everything possible on your end, living that script would require him to change. And you cannot change him. You can only change yourself.
Accepting the limitations of your husband and your relationship is the first step you can take to propel you to start over.
Accepting and Blessing What Is
If, after careful reflection, you conclude that your marriage is not working, and most likely never will, you need to accept it and move on.
Life is not going to happen until you recognize that this relationship is not the path to happiness you envisioned. To the happiness that you deserve.
Once you come to terms with it, you can objectively view your marriage as a stepping stone that got you to where you are now. It is your springboard to the future, all the wiser for it, grateful for all its lessons and character-building opportunities.
You attracted your husband into your life for a reason. Reframe your situation and learn to see him as a teacher who taught you a lesson necessary for your personal evolution. Be grateful for the lessons and thank your husband in your mind. Then release your husband and your marriage and bless them both with love.
It is now time to heal. The best is yet to come.